National Poetry Month Challenge, Day 2

"The Dive"

by Dan Bruno

The moment when the water parts

Disorients the body and the mind.

The rush of displacement, the sudden

Substitution of crystalline summer sun

With deep, glowing blue. It is the way
My world changed, violent and disruptive,

The day I learned the name of the

Monster that attached itself to my life.

The sterility of the laboratory,

Claustrophobic and chlorinated.

The stiffness of each strand of hair,

Smeared with the silicone gel that

Attached each electrode. The cold,

Creeping fear of possibility seizing

My diaphragm, forcing shallow,

Apprehensive gasps of air.

The diagnosis leaps from the physician's

Lips and lands with an enormous splash

In my ears, disturbing the surface of my

Mind with an enormous wave of doubt.

The mitigating terms themselves, transparent

And contemptuous, splash about my mind:

Chronic, not fatal; manageable, not curable;

Permanent, intractable night in my mind.

The medication list is a bouquet of

Chemical wonders, latinate formulae

Rattled off with galling ease:

Modafinil, Methylphenidate, Escitalopram,

Oxybate. Life reduced and subdivided

To incomprehensible pills and potions

Of varying volumes and viscosities.

Clarity defined by the cubic centimeter.

Years later, as I drift to the bottom,

I wonder how much of me is left.

Am I man or medicine? Where am I

In the nootropic soup of my perception?

If mind no longer matters,

If matter conquers mind,

If the thoughts I have are given by

Chemical induction, which of these is mine?

My life has become the silent sea

That exists at the bottom of the dive:

Quiet, blue-tinged, enveloping, the

Incoherent distance blurred out of view.

Rest. At the bottom. No need to rise.

Stay beneath the rhythm of life and

Let it slide away. Vitality is the curse

Of one chronically shut out of a healthy mind.

But then, my feet scrape the rough stucco.

I kick out against the weight of water and worry.

A rush rises in my ears. Who knew that

Ten feet could be so deep?

Each flutter of legs draws me up to that

Crystalline kingdom of warmth just beyond

The distortion of the surface. A place of

Exhilarating laughter and adventure

Where human voices wake us to breath;

Where, maybe one day, my mind,

After its long stay under water,

Will emerge to resurrection.